Noticing loneliness in someone you care about

Loneliness can affect anyone, at any age. It is not the same as being alone. Some people live on their own and feel well connected, while others have people around them and still feel lonely. For older people, changes such as retirement, bereavement, health problems, giving up driving or friends moving away can quietly reduce everyday contact.

Because many people feel embarrassed to say they are lonely, it often goes unspoken. If you are worried about a parent, grandparent, neighbour or friend, this guide may help you notice the signs and start a conversation.

Gentle signs to look out for

None of these on its own means someone is lonely, and everyone is different. A pattern, though, may be worth paying attention to. The person might:

• mention that the days feel long, or that they have not spoken to anyone for a while
• have stopped going to groups, clubs, a place of worship or other places they used to enjoy
• keep you on the phone longer than usual, or seem reluctant to say goodbye
• talk less about friends or neighbours than they once did
• seem flatter, quieter or less interested in things
• seem to be taking less care of themselves or their home
• say things like “I don’t want to be a bother”

Raising it without making someone feel a burden

How you start matters. Many older people worry about being a burden to their family, so a direct question such as “Are you lonely?” can feel like a label. A softer approach usually goes further.

• Choose a relaxed moment, perhaps while you are doing something together, rather than a formal sit-down talk.
• Start with yourself: “I’ve been thinking about you, and I’d love to hear more about how your weeks are going.”
• Ask open questions, such as “What does a normal week look like at the moment?” or “Who have you seen lately?”
• Listen more than you speak, and try not to rush in with solutions.
• Accept what they tell you without judging or correcting it.
• Make it clear that wanting more company is normal, not a failing.

If they do not want to talk about it the first time, that is fine. You have shown that you have noticed and that you care, and you can come back to it another day.

Small practical next steps

Once you have a sense of how they feel, think together about small, realistic changes. Big plans can feel overwhelming. Small ones are easier to keep going.

• Set up a regular call at the same time each week, so there is always something to look forward to.
• Help them get comfortable with video calls, so they can see family and friends as well as hear them. Our resources include a family guide to getting started.
• Look for local groups or activities that match their interests, and offer to go along the first time.
• Ask whether a neighbour or friend might call in or phone now and then.
• Share contact between family members, so it is spread through the week rather than falling on one person.

Where regular contact helps

Sometimes a friendly voice from outside the family makes a real difference. It is someone new to talk to, who has time to listen and is not caught up in family worries. That is what A Digital Friends offers: regular telephone and video calls with a carefully matched Digital Friend, along with wellbeing check-ins and help finding community activities and support.

If you think this could help, talk to the person first and make sure they are happy for you to get in touch. You can then make a referral, or read more on our page for families.

When to look for other help

Loneliness is not an illness, but feeling low for a long time can affect sleep, appetite, energy and general health. If someone you care about has seemed low, withdrawn or hopeless for a while and it is not lifting, gently encourage them to talk to their GP. You could offer to help make the appointment, or to go with them.